I love SxSW. Everyone is in love with Austin. People are hopeful. Their band or movie or app is great and is going to hit it big and make them tons of money. Everyone is high or drunk or just fucked a stranger. The sun is shining, the weather is perfect and it just feels great. All the girls are beautiful and the boys are showing off. SxSW is the great Austin bait-and-switch.

Guy comes to the door with his friends. I check his ID, and he looks at me with a grin and says, “here, have one!” I look in his hand and he has a big pile of mushrooms.

I look him in the eyes and say “no thanks, and you really can’t bring those in to the bar.” He looks at me quizzically and tosses them all in his mouth.

I tell him that now I can’t let him in the bar. He spits them all back in his hand, and goes to put them back in his pocket. I look him in the eye and say “no.” He throws the mushrooms over his shoulder and I let him in.

This was a quote I over heard during my JetBlue trip in 2009. I was in Chicago, exploring the city on foot. I shared a few beers with a random guy I met on the street and he led me to Buddy Guy’s bar. While hanging out there I over heard the door guy say in a thick Chicago accent:

So I hand the guy a 45 caliber slug and I says to the guy, “If you don’t have my money by Friday, the next one is coming a lot faster.”

A guy just came up to the door. I asked for his ID and he tried to hand me a dollar.

I said “no, I need to see your ID”. He said “ok” and tried to hand me a five.

I asked him for his ID again and he seemed to get it and fished around in his wallet. This time he pulled out a ring and tried to hand it to me.

Finally he pulls out his ID and all is well.